WESTBORO BAPTIST — A pornographic image depicting Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing the funerals of soldiers with incendiary anti-gay rhetoric, has drawn massive media attention due to its homosexual nature.
The Internet Chronicle has decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by hosting a Fred Phelps gay fan fiction writing contest. We encourage all readers to mail lascivious stories of any length featuring Fred Phelps to firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner of the contest will have their story published and receive a magnificent, but undisclosed, prize*.
Rules are as follows:
1. No sex act is off the table, and in fact, the more depraved the story the more points.
2. Real stories of actual incidents of Fred Phelps’ flagrant homosexuality earn more points.
3. Make sure the subject line of your e-mail reads “FRED PHELPS CONTEST,” and don’t include anything but the story. We don’t care about your comments. Just send the story.
4. We must be able to masturbate to your story, or it will earn no points.
5. God hates Fred Phelps because he is a faggot.
* All “prizes” are subject to confiscation and may include surveillance devices to ensure proper use
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